Based in HOTLANTA, GA, IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME is a blog by A SEVERELY SINGLE (but sexy) FEMALE. Her posts explore PERSONAL ENCOUNTERS WITH MAMA'S BOYS, SEMI-GROWN ASS MEN, SEXY STRANGERS AND OF COURSE YOUR CLASSIC FUCK BOY.

Eyebrows On Fleek

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Eyebrows is basically an understatement but if you saw how manicured his eyebrows were you'd think he played for the other team. THIS GUY IS A FUCKING NUT JOB.....That too might also be an understatement.

Background info
Eyebrows is in his early 30s and an Atlanta native. I can't say too much about what he does for work without giving him away (he's easy to find on google).  He deals with high end luxury cars. Eyebrows is balding, very muscular, not exactly 6'0 and a complete mother fucking asshole with no genuine friends.

He is the king of egotistical self absorbed fuck boys/sociopaths. Joffrey Baratheon in his 30s on steroids driving around in a very expensive car while sipping on some cold pressed juice he just picked up from Arden's Garden.  BTW eyebrows doesn't believe in cardio thats why he is shaped like a cartoon bulldog. 

How did we meet?
He slid into my DMs after finding my IG handle on Bumble.

What Happened?
First off -  if he slides into your DMs and starts with "I'm good friends and neighbors with the owner of the company you're employed with" you're kind of fucked already. That should be a huge red flag because baby you should not shit where you eat.  But you know I like to live on the edge from time to time. So thats what I did. I entertained this overly waxed fool.

Let me skip all the dumb convos we had. This dude managed to finagle his way into my iMessages (honestly I was having an off day and throwing myself a pity party - as my gf says I was riding the cotton camel LOL).  Sooooo homeboy tried calling me while I was at work (I declined the call like a sane woman would) and he had the nerve to criticize my work ethic since I was texting with him. He insists we meet up for a meal and he gives me two choices: Le Bilboquet or Le Bilboquet [Fucking FACEPALM].  I politely inform him that I will unavailable until Sunday night.

Work day is over and now I'm battling ATL traffic [side note: if you haven't ever experienced ATL traffic then you can automatically add an extra 10 years to your total lifespan. I'm talking about psychological anguish]. During my commute homeboy decides to call me and plan a date for THAT (same) NIGHT.  I don't know what state my mind was in but I somehow agreed to let him pick me up from my house (obviously I was partially mentally handicapped) .  Two hours later homeboy pulls up to the front of my house in a very very ostentatious SUV [at the time I didn't know the size of the vehicle was making up for his very very evident character flaws - this is the kindest way I can put it].  My house sits on a pretty steep hill (on the treadmill my driveway would be on level 12 incline) but he does not feel the need to bring his car up my driveway... he waits at the fucking mailbox like this is god damn Sixteen Candles..... homeboy you are NOT Jake and I am not Samantha.  

We end up at H_______s and the whole time homeboy is cracking jokes about how my house is a stones throw away from the state line.  So guess what - it's Friday night and of course theres a 2 hour wait at H_______s.... what a big surprise!!  Eyebrows on fleek doesn't wait for shit because he's the most important person in the metro Atlanta area sooooo he crudely slips the host a $50.  Unimpressed by the gesture (although I'm starving) I couldn't keep my slick ass remarks to myself. "Smooth move. (**include side eye)" I remarked.  "Oh you saw that?!? (**sideways smirk)" he replied.  UGHHHHHHH if I could go back in time I would have donkey kong'd myself in the face and called an uber home.  IT WAS THAT BAD.  Already feeling like this was a mistake I'm practically begging my server for a Gin & Tonic. This is when I learned something crucial about Mr. Eyebrow Waxer Extraordinaire - HE DOES NOT DRINK (or do drugs).  HOMEBOY IS JUST HIGH ON HIS OWN SUPPLY 115% of the time. 

We finish dinner but I am not allowed to go home yet.  We end up at the pool area in his high rise and we just sit around and talk.  He was actually decent during this time.  Asked a million questions about my work, dating experiences and even offered me a blanket.  THEN IT GOT WEIRD. Homeboy starts talking about what he expects out of a partner (all pretty much unrealistic).  Starts off with telling me how he gave his ex everything and she disobeyed him and he doesn't know why.... WELL I KNOW WHY!!! YOU'RE A MUTHA FUCKIN' PSYCHO CONTROL FREAK.  My girl was probably gasping for air under his iron curtain of misogyny.  Let me get back to his list of expectations: 1. Work a full-time job making at least $60k salary 2. Prance around in full on lingerie at least once a week. 3. Cook together 3 times a week (totally do-able - but who wants to spend that much time with him) 4. NO drama (in eyebrow land drama = anything he doesn't agree with) 5. Don't ask questions 6. Take care of your body (he'll make you go on a diet even though he has the body of a bulldog ... lots of muscle but with a gut).  The list sounds kind of do-able right?? WRONG. Unless you're a complete moron who also doubles as a doormat this will not work. 

Moving on - we made out. Now he won't let me go home because he's too fucking tired to drive.  I'm stuck in gaudy hell (his condo) until the AM.  Mind you I only went on this date because I was bleeding and I knew nothing would happen.  He gave me sweats and we went to sleep.... or not. Homeboy learns about how mother nature's treachery has been invading my lady parts and he definitely wants to get it on. In the words of Cardi B, "I'm like okay!"  I don't know if it was because I was flowing like the Mississippi (you know how us females get a little frisky around our special time - no? well I do) but I let that cray cray's river fill up my reservoir. It was actually good.  He threw me in the shower afterwards and even greeted me with a towel to dry off. Such a gentleman and a very rare occurrence.

Next morning he drops me off at my house and my uncle is over working on my fence. FUCK MY LIFE. Caught red handed.  How the fuck did I manage to do the walk of shame when I live alone in my own house?!?!?!?!  To be continued........

Sneak Peek: He facetimed me a few days later and stopped by CVS to get me a toothbrush, tampons and a hair brush for next time. Sweet at the moment but damn - all of my fucking alarms should have been ringing.  WHO DOES THAT????

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